Thursday, January 9, 2014
The Log In My Eye
"You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your wife's eye."
Jesus (and me)
Unmet expectations. I wish had a nickle for every couple that came up to the center with this problem. I'd retire. Life is full of them but we tend not to think about them. We just have this feeling we have been wronged is some terrible way. It starts out as a child. Do you ever remember something that looked so good and smelled so good and tasted so badly. My experience with this coffee. I will admit that I am a coffee drinker, however my first experience didn't go that well. I wanted to have my first cup the way my dad always had his coffee. Black. Needless to say it didn't taste nearly as good as it smelled (then).
Expectations don't end there. Remember how much you looked forward to the amusement park, only to find lines that were hours long? One that was rather personal to me was if I owned a certain guitar and amplifier I would be a great guitar player. If I purchase this truck I will be more "manly". If I purchase this sports car I will feel rich and women will want me. I'm having a hey day here with the guys, but ladies, one doesn't have to look to far as far a clothing and hairstyles go. Unmet expectations.
These are the easy ones that are on the surface. Not much harm here because they are so obvious. There are more subtle ones that can kill a relationship. It's called raising the bar. How about the woman who doesn't believe her husband loves her. She says to herself "if he would only bring me some flowers I would know he cares". If her husband has not brought her flowers in the last year, it is highly unlikely he will think about it on his way home that night. He arrives home with no flowers and she is convinced he doesn't care. It doesn't end there. What about the man who goes to work every day to support his family, feeling like a paycheck. He thinks to himself "if only she tells me tonight how much she appreciates my sacrifice" but he doesn't hear it. Instead his wife at home with 2 small children is thinking "if only he would tell me how much he appreciates my sacrifice, I used to be a career woman". Both go to bed sad and distant. Nobody cares.
I'm not saying that the man shouldn't bring her flowers, or be appreciated. All I am saying is a lot of these things are learned behaviors. Men can learn to notice more things (not as well as someone who has a natural ability), but they can get better. Women can learn to communicate more clearly to men. I am a trained expert so I know this stuff.
That was, I knew it for everybody else including my wife. I had looked at her schedule and had planned my around hers. Being the good husband that I am, I made sure I was spending time with her. One of her appointments cancelled and she decided she was going to rearrange her schedule. I was upset at her nerve. I explained how I had already figured out what I was going to do, and why didn't she change the calendar? She had already decided what she wanted to do and didn't tell me. I let her know it too! Then I looked at the calendar, and where my plans were supposed to be there was nothing. I didn't recall telling her what my plans were. Unmet expectations. I was "accusing" her of the exact same thing I was doing. Unmet expectations. They run deeply in all of us, and we can see the speck far easier than we can see the log.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
The Promise
“I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them--it was that promise.”
― Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth
If you're anything like me, you've probably read the above quote a couple of times trying to decide if you like it or not. I like the first line, the second line is not true (for me). I would certainly like to think our love protected our children. I find myself doing something we tell our couples to do. Ask yourself how you feel about something. After all, feelings usually drive actions more than facts. Yes, believe it or not, the emotional train usually starts with a thought process, which leads to how you feel about something, which leads to your actions. Don't believe me, try this example.
The company you work for is bought out by a larger company. They double your salary. You go home committed to your job and exclaim to your wife that your salary was doubled.
The company you work for is bought out by a larger company. They double your salary. They triple everyone elses. You go home to your wife feeling rejected and questioning if you should start looking for another job.
Now lets get back to the quote. Something people used to do a long time ago, before all the interest in sharing your feelings, was try to decide if something was true or not. So now lets go back to the quote, forget our feelings for a moment, and decide if the quote is true (or could be true). Personally, I believe it is. When looking back in time there were many arranged marriages. In fact, most marriages were arranged. And yes, I will admit there probably were many couples that did not love each other. Being a jerk crosses all ethnic, racial, age, and time constraints. But I would also submit to you that at least 80% of the couples in ancient times did, in fact love each other because of the promise above. You would enter into a partnership with another person where each role is plainly known, and carried out. And if you raise your children together and are blessed with grandchildren to help you in your old age, I would submit to you it would be difficult to look back at all of the years, both good times and bad, and not feel an emotional connection to that person which we associate with love. How could you not?
If you have read very many of my posts you will see that I associate the word love with actions more than emotions. This in no way means I don't have an emotional love for my wife. It just means that regardless of the feelings on any particular day, if I genuinely love my wife my actions should always show it. Do they? No. But that is the standard and if I'm looking at any other standard it is set to low. To low for a promise. To low for a promise such as the one above.
When you promise to love, honor, and cherish, you have made a promise. As we choose to look at how our partner is breaking their promise, we tend to forget we are breaking ours. To treat our spouse differently than we feel we are being treated, to speak to them differently than we feel they are speaking to us. We made a promise.
It is amazing how much influence one person can have on a relationship. It's human nature to treat others how they are treating you. If you are in a marriage that is based on a promise, it is different. You are treated with grace. Grace usually begets grace. Yes, there are those persons which will be jerks. As I said, they have been around from the beginning of time. Yet, to watch one partner decide they will keep their promise for 30 consecutive days without breaking it, regardless of feelings, is an amazing thing. It usually doesn't take longer than 7 days for someone to take notice, another 7 for them to start feeling self conscious about how they are acting, and 7 more for real changes to take place. But in a marriage of years, three weeks isn't bad to start moving a new direction. A direction based on a promise instead of a feeling.
― Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth
If you're anything like me, you've probably read the above quote a couple of times trying to decide if you like it or not. I like the first line, the second line is not true (for me). I would certainly like to think our love protected our children. I find myself doing something we tell our couples to do. Ask yourself how you feel about something. After all, feelings usually drive actions more than facts. Yes, believe it or not, the emotional train usually starts with a thought process, which leads to how you feel about something, which leads to your actions. Don't believe me, try this example.
The company you work for is bought out by a larger company. They double your salary. You go home committed to your job and exclaim to your wife that your salary was doubled.
The company you work for is bought out by a larger company. They double your salary. They triple everyone elses. You go home to your wife feeling rejected and questioning if you should start looking for another job.
Now lets get back to the quote. Something people used to do a long time ago, before all the interest in sharing your feelings, was try to decide if something was true or not. So now lets go back to the quote, forget our feelings for a moment, and decide if the quote is true (or could be true). Personally, I believe it is. When looking back in time there were many arranged marriages. In fact, most marriages were arranged. And yes, I will admit there probably were many couples that did not love each other. Being a jerk crosses all ethnic, racial, age, and time constraints. But I would also submit to you that at least 80% of the couples in ancient times did, in fact love each other because of the promise above. You would enter into a partnership with another person where each role is plainly known, and carried out. And if you raise your children together and are blessed with grandchildren to help you in your old age, I would submit to you it would be difficult to look back at all of the years, both good times and bad, and not feel an emotional connection to that person which we associate with love. How could you not?
If you have read very many of my posts you will see that I associate the word love with actions more than emotions. This in no way means I don't have an emotional love for my wife. It just means that regardless of the feelings on any particular day, if I genuinely love my wife my actions should always show it. Do they? No. But that is the standard and if I'm looking at any other standard it is set to low. To low for a promise. To low for a promise such as the one above.
When you promise to love, honor, and cherish, you have made a promise. As we choose to look at how our partner is breaking their promise, we tend to forget we are breaking ours. To treat our spouse differently than we feel we are being treated, to speak to them differently than we feel they are speaking to us. We made a promise.
It is amazing how much influence one person can have on a relationship. It's human nature to treat others how they are treating you. If you are in a marriage that is based on a promise, it is different. You are treated with grace. Grace usually begets grace. Yes, there are those persons which will be jerks. As I said, they have been around from the beginning of time. Yet, to watch one partner decide they will keep their promise for 30 consecutive days without breaking it, regardless of feelings, is an amazing thing. It usually doesn't take longer than 7 days for someone to take notice, another 7 for them to start feeling self conscious about how they are acting, and 7 more for real changes to take place. But in a marriage of years, three weeks isn't bad to start moving a new direction. A direction based on a promise instead of a feeling.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
The Trouble With Feelings
I believe both sexes believe that their attitudes about feelings are "right". Unfortunately for the folks reading this blog, since I am a male I will definitely have a male bias, although hopefully it will be tempered with enough education to make sense to both sexes.
As a man I find the area of feelings fascinating. Confusing but fascinating. For those females reading this please take a moment and think from a mans perspective (if you dare). Yes, men have feelings but we have learned from a very early age to suppress most of them. This is not necessarily a bad thing contrary to the belief of a large number of women. For example, let's just look at a couple of basic differences between the sexes while growing up. Boys are more physical. We like sports, we like fishing, we like competition. So lets take a 12 year old that strikes out in baseball who lets his emotions run wild, and put a nice wooden club in his hands.......not good. Or how about someone that was tackled in football a bit too hard. Often a fight will break out. This is no way shape or form means women can't play sports because of their emotions.......they do. But what it does mean is men are more prone to get physical when their emotions get the best of them. If you'd care to argue this point just look at the domestic violence statistics. Women tend to fight with words, men tend to fight with fists (or guns, or clubs, or whatever is handy).
Now that I've laid the foundation, lets look at some very big positives about the emotional makeup of women. I am aware that Loretta and I have children. Loretta is aware of what is happening in their lives, who their friends are, and what trials and tribulations they are going through. I listen to them when I see them, Loretta calls and asks how they are doing. Men believe words are to convey information, women believe words are to convey feelings. Big difference!
So what could possibly be wrong with this system, what are the trouble with feelings. The problem comes with empathy. I believe it also comes with core values. I believe that men and women see the values they hold differently. Per my usual way of looking at things, my tendency will be to exaggerate, but the underlying principle (core value) remains the same. So in the interest of observation.......
Little Billy Brat gets a new puppy. He promptly gives it a bone and teaches it to dig up Mrs. Grumbles flower garden. Mrs. Grumble comes home to find her garden a mess. She worked so hard on it. This is how she spent her days while Mr. Grumble was away at work. Mr. Grumble comes home from work and sees Mrs. Grumble in tears repairing her garden. About that time Billy's father Mr. Brat comes home from work and finds out about the mess. He sees Mrs. Grumble and apologizes for Billy's behavior and offers to buy Mrs. Grumble more flowers. He also promises he will pay more attention and make sure Billy and his dog stay away from Mrs. Grumbles flower bed.
Mrs. Grumble wants the police called and little Billy Brat to do 5-10 years hard time. When she tells Mr. Brat that his child is of the devil, that she is going to beat him with a baseball bat and burn the Brat house down with everyone inside she looks to Mr. Grumble. When Mr. Grumble doesn't say anything (mostly due to the surprise and the fact that the police are on the way), he is seen by Mrs. Grumble as the scum of the universe. How could he possibly not care about her garden. How could he possibly not care about here feelings. HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY NOT CARE ABOUT HER!
Now it's the next day. Mrs. Grumble has softened her stance about burning the house down, but still thinks little Billy Brat should die. Nothing short of a blood sacrifice will do. When Mr. Grumble does not agree, he is accused of being uncaring and not supporting her. She will soon forget the flowers, but never the failure of Mr. Grumble to support her.
Before all the men start saying how women have trouble containing their emotions, we can apply it to men also. How about when Mrs. Grumble asks Mr. Grumble during the football party he is hosting with his friends if he remembered to pick up his prescription for Viagra! My guess it wouldn't mean much to Mrs. Grumble. Mr. Grumble might think it is a relatively large issue. Again, the teasing will taper off, but Mr. Grumble will not forget Mrs. Grumble cutting him off at the knees and taking his manhood away from him in front of his friends.
The trouble with feelings are they are exactly that. Feelings. A spontaneous inner reaction to a person, place, or situation. They are neither right or wrong. They don't last forever. They are not a reason for murder (Mrs. Grumble) or an affair (Mr. Grumble). They are frequently not based on reality. They are merely part of being human. Enjoy the pleasant feelings, understand the uncomfortable ones, but base your marriage on mutual love and respect. Love, Honor, and Cherish. These are not feelings, but actions. They are things you do. These are the basis of a great marriage!
As a man I find the area of feelings fascinating. Confusing but fascinating. For those females reading this please take a moment and think from a mans perspective (if you dare). Yes, men have feelings but we have learned from a very early age to suppress most of them. This is not necessarily a bad thing contrary to the belief of a large number of women. For example, let's just look at a couple of basic differences between the sexes while growing up. Boys are more physical. We like sports, we like fishing, we like competition. So lets take a 12 year old that strikes out in baseball who lets his emotions run wild, and put a nice wooden club in his hands.......not good. Or how about someone that was tackled in football a bit too hard. Often a fight will break out. This is no way shape or form means women can't play sports because of their emotions.......they do. But what it does mean is men are more prone to get physical when their emotions get the best of them. If you'd care to argue this point just look at the domestic violence statistics. Women tend to fight with words, men tend to fight with fists (or guns, or clubs, or whatever is handy).
Now that I've laid the foundation, lets look at some very big positives about the emotional makeup of women. I am aware that Loretta and I have children. Loretta is aware of what is happening in their lives, who their friends are, and what trials and tribulations they are going through. I listen to them when I see them, Loretta calls and asks how they are doing. Men believe words are to convey information, women believe words are to convey feelings. Big difference!
So what could possibly be wrong with this system, what are the trouble with feelings. The problem comes with empathy. I believe it also comes with core values. I believe that men and women see the values they hold differently. Per my usual way of looking at things, my tendency will be to exaggerate, but the underlying principle (core value) remains the same. So in the interest of observation.......
Little Billy Brat gets a new puppy. He promptly gives it a bone and teaches it to dig up Mrs. Grumbles flower garden. Mrs. Grumble comes home to find her garden a mess. She worked so hard on it. This is how she spent her days while Mr. Grumble was away at work. Mr. Grumble comes home from work and sees Mrs. Grumble in tears repairing her garden. About that time Billy's father Mr. Brat comes home from work and finds out about the mess. He sees Mrs. Grumble and apologizes for Billy's behavior and offers to buy Mrs. Grumble more flowers. He also promises he will pay more attention and make sure Billy and his dog stay away from Mrs. Grumbles flower bed.
Mrs. Grumble wants the police called and little Billy Brat to do 5-10 years hard time. When she tells Mr. Brat that his child is of the devil, that she is going to beat him with a baseball bat and burn the Brat house down with everyone inside she looks to Mr. Grumble. When Mr. Grumble doesn't say anything (mostly due to the surprise and the fact that the police are on the way), he is seen by Mrs. Grumble as the scum of the universe. How could he possibly not care about her garden. How could he possibly not care about here feelings. HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY NOT CARE ABOUT HER!
Now it's the next day. Mrs. Grumble has softened her stance about burning the house down, but still thinks little Billy Brat should die. Nothing short of a blood sacrifice will do. When Mr. Grumble does not agree, he is accused of being uncaring and not supporting her. She will soon forget the flowers, but never the failure of Mr. Grumble to support her.
Before all the men start saying how women have trouble containing their emotions, we can apply it to men also. How about when Mrs. Grumble asks Mr. Grumble during the football party he is hosting with his friends if he remembered to pick up his prescription for Viagra! My guess it wouldn't mean much to Mrs. Grumble. Mr. Grumble might think it is a relatively large issue. Again, the teasing will taper off, but Mr. Grumble will not forget Mrs. Grumble cutting him off at the knees and taking his manhood away from him in front of his friends.
The trouble with feelings are they are exactly that. Feelings. A spontaneous inner reaction to a person, place, or situation. They are neither right or wrong. They don't last forever. They are not a reason for murder (Mrs. Grumble) or an affair (Mr. Grumble). They are frequently not based on reality. They are merely part of being human. Enjoy the pleasant feelings, understand the uncomfortable ones, but base your marriage on mutual love and respect. Love, Honor, and Cherish. These are not feelings, but actions. They are things you do. These are the basis of a great marriage!
Monday, November 18, 2013
What I'm Not Thinking
One of the comments I always make to our couples that come to the center is that I will be biased towards the man during our educational sessions. This in no way means I don't care as much about the woman's point of view as the mans. All it means is that I'm a man and I will understand the mans point of view easier. I'm not saying I don't know what answers I'm supposed to give (my wife and I have had the same training). All I'm saying is we need to be honest about whether or not we are biased in our thought process. My wife finds it easier to empathize than I do, and I find it easier to block out emotions when I need to. It's not bad or good, it just is. In my opinion just realizing and admitting this goes a long way towards making sure both the man and the woman are heard.
Which brings me in a round about way to the title of this post "What I'm Not Thinking". I have one relationship which I think of as a relationship. The marriage I have with Loretta. All others are friendships (in my opinion). I never used the word relationship until I married. I think about my marriage with Loretta, but give very little thought to the friendships I have with others, which are one of the things I'm not thinking about. It doesn't mean that I don't care, it means if there is nothing wrong or nothing happening then why think about it? Unfortunately some men think this way about their marriage. For members of the opposite sex that are having a little trouble understanding, think of it this way. If an old friend I haven't heard from in a year asked if I wanted to go fishing, I'd say "sure". I would be thinking about the fishing trip and what pole, line, and bait I would use (so I could catch more fish and "rub it in"). I would also have the realization that he would be doing the same thing so he could "rub it in" when he caught the most fish. I'd also be thinking about the day, and the boat. I would be thinking about things. What I'm not thinking about are the conversations and the "relationship". Having a good time is a given. I don't need to think about it. If my friend told me he wanted to go fishing to work on our "relationship" I would not go fishing with him. My guess is he wouldn't have many takers that were men. Men in general don't think about relationships, they enjoy friendships.
I have been told that newborn babies have gender differences even before they are old enough to know any gender. Newborn girls focus on faces, newborn boys focus on the mobile. Both like to be held and loved. Boys play with cars (shoulder to shoulder), girls play tea (face to face). As they get older, boys play with cars (things), girls are social (people). Yes these are gender stereotypes and yes there are exceptions, however if you look at the trends they are accurate. I met with my father and my brothers for breakfast one morning. After an hour I came home and was asked how my sister in law was doing. I said fine (I've learned to ask). However, my father and brothers talked about our careers, what was wrong with the political system, how to fix it, what was new in technology, what was new in science, what cars we liked and why, and who had the best football team. What we did not talk about were our friends, family (some, but not much by my wife's opinion), or how we felt about anything. Not that we don't have feelings, they're just not at the top of our list to talk about (and often times not even on the list).
Now before you judge myself, brothers and father so harshly, I would be willing to bet that a lot of other men are not too far from where we are. Yes, we do care about our families and our feelings. Those we share with our wives. Most men are just naturally curious about how things work. Most women care about how people feel. It's not bad, it's not good, it just is.
Which brings me in a round about way to the title of this post "What I'm Not Thinking". I have one relationship which I think of as a relationship. The marriage I have with Loretta. All others are friendships (in my opinion). I never used the word relationship until I married. I think about my marriage with Loretta, but give very little thought to the friendships I have with others, which are one of the things I'm not thinking about. It doesn't mean that I don't care, it means if there is nothing wrong or nothing happening then why think about it? Unfortunately some men think this way about their marriage. For members of the opposite sex that are having a little trouble understanding, think of it this way. If an old friend I haven't heard from in a year asked if I wanted to go fishing, I'd say "sure". I would be thinking about the fishing trip and what pole, line, and bait I would use (so I could catch more fish and "rub it in"). I would also have the realization that he would be doing the same thing so he could "rub it in" when he caught the most fish. I'd also be thinking about the day, and the boat. I would be thinking about things. What I'm not thinking about are the conversations and the "relationship". Having a good time is a given. I don't need to think about it. If my friend told me he wanted to go fishing to work on our "relationship" I would not go fishing with him. My guess is he wouldn't have many takers that were men. Men in general don't think about relationships, they enjoy friendships.
I have been told that newborn babies have gender differences even before they are old enough to know any gender. Newborn girls focus on faces, newborn boys focus on the mobile. Both like to be held and loved. Boys play with cars (shoulder to shoulder), girls play tea (face to face). As they get older, boys play with cars (things), girls are social (people). Yes these are gender stereotypes and yes there are exceptions, however if you look at the trends they are accurate. I met with my father and my brothers for breakfast one morning. After an hour I came home and was asked how my sister in law was doing. I said fine (I've learned to ask). However, my father and brothers talked about our careers, what was wrong with the political system, how to fix it, what was new in technology, what was new in science, what cars we liked and why, and who had the best football team. What we did not talk about were our friends, family (some, but not much by my wife's opinion), or how we felt about anything. Not that we don't have feelings, they're just not at the top of our list to talk about (and often times not even on the list).
Now before you judge myself, brothers and father so harshly, I would be willing to bet that a lot of other men are not too far from where we are. Yes, we do care about our families and our feelings. Those we share with our wives. Most men are just naturally curious about how things work. Most women care about how people feel. It's not bad, it's not good, it just is.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Can Love Ruin a Marriage?
What kind of question is "Can Love Ruin a Marriage"? Well, can it? What if you're no longer "in love" with your spouse? Before we start let's take a moment to define it. I've heard the phrases "I love football", "I love my car", "I love my wife", "I love Italian food", and "I love my cat". Below is what I came up with when I Googled a definition for love.
noun
- 1.an intense feeling of deep affection.
- 2.a person or thing that one loves.
verb
1.
feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).
I would submit to you that everything I mentioned at the top of the post would fit the definition as a noun. Ah, you say, so the definition for my spouse must be the verb. Not exactly. Although I hope you do have a deep romantic and sexual attraction to your spouse I would hope that you love your parents and family and feel no such attraction to them!
Using the definition of love listed above, it will in fact ruin a marriage. The problem lies in that it is based on a feeling, or emotion. When the feeling is gone, you no longer love that person. When you no longer love the person, the tendency is to believe the feeling will last forever. After all, didn't you believe the "in love" feeling would last forever before you were married? In order for love to in fact hold a marriage together we must redefine it. I'll take a stab at a new definition by plagiarizing an old author.
Love is patient and kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude or self seeking, and it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Paul
I believe the author above hit the nail on the head. The most ironic thing I have found about using the last definition is when I practice those things as best I can I seem to have the feelings in the first definition towards my wife. The really nice thing about this definition is I can love my parents and family all the while creating a strong emotional bond. I have witnessed many couples decide on this kind of love as an act of will, and take a marriage void of emotional love and completely change it. This kind of love will never ruin a marriage, but always make it stronger. The strongest emotional ties almost always come after the actions.
In a book by C.S. Lewis, an elder demon pointed this out to his apprentice by making this comment:
"They regard the intention of loyalty to a partnership for mutual help, the preservation of chastity, and for the transmission of life as something lower than a storm of emotion."
If we would all choose Paul's definition we could have both.
Monday, November 4, 2013
The Measure of a Man
What is the measure of a man? Since
this blog is about “The Truth about Marriage” this might sound a
bit off topic. Marriage is about “we” and “us”, but it would
seem to me the raw material you start with might have a little effect
on the outcome. Don't we travel the world looking for our
“soul-mate”?
So what is the measure of a man? In
search of this answer (and how it applied to marriage) I asked my
wife. Not sure about the rest of you, but my wife was able to give
me a rather detailed list of what a good husband should be. I was
able to check a few boxes on the list, but not all. Not even
remotely close to all. Somehow I'll bet if most men asked their
wives they'd get a similar response.
I thought for a moment about men I
admired in history. One of my favorites was Abraham Lincoln. A man
who is associated closely with the abolition of slavery. Why was he
willing to risk dividing a whole country on the issue of slavery? In
his day it was a common practice so evidently a lot of people saw
nothing wrong with it, or at least didn't say anything. It is the
why to this question that I believe is the true measure of a man.
What was his moral compass? What is my moral compass?
I got married for many selfish
reasons, although I didn't realize it at the time. Loretta made me
“happy”, I longed to be with her, she brought out the best in me,
she fulfilled a longing in my heart. Although these things were
written in past tense (as in the day I married her) I still feel this
way, and they are still selfish. Why? Because they are all about me
and my happiness, and not about hers. They are also a poor example
of the measure of a man.
I believe the true measure of a man
lies in his ability to develop traits within himself. Is he patient
and kind? Is he boastful and is he envious of what others have?
Does he become angry easily and keep a long list of those who have
wronged him? Does he rejoice in the failure of his enemies or is he
happy when those around him succeed, even if the blessing missed him?
Does he protect those who can't protect themselves and does he think
the best of others?
You could sum the above paragraph up
with one sentence, what is his ability to love others? I believe
this is the true measure of a man. It is of great value simply
because by being who he is he will lead others the same direction.
I also believe this is his primary duty to his wife and family. Her
happiness is a fleeting target which will change day to day. Most
women long to be known and loved. To be able to love his wife and
his family,not for what they do for him (my selfish reasons for
getting married) but for who they are, that is the true measure of a
man.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Why don't we have educators instead of counselors?
Who taught you to use a fork and spoon, or to tie your shoes? Odds are it was a parent or grandparent. Who taught you to read? Maybe a teacher or a parent. Who taught you calculus? In my case it was nobody since I still don't understand it!
There are many ways to learn. The most obvious is trial and error. Sometimes we just observe. If I touch a hot stove, I learn very quickly not to touch it again. Sometimes it can be a combination of things. Using the "hot stove" again, I will say that my parents had warned me about it. I had become "educated" on the subject, but the practical experience really drove the point home. Since I could believe my parents about the stove, I could also believe them when they told me the grilled cheese sandwich was hot!
Probably the most formal way to learn is in school. Be it elementary, middle, high, or college it is a structured approach to an area of study. Some classes I wished I had paid a little more attention in, and some I haven't really used that much. Some of the classes I never used that much others found indispensable. Most of the time it is a matter of how we choose to apply our education.
I grew up believing one day I would be married (I am). I grew up believing my wife would assume the same role as my mother (she didn't) and I would be like my father (I'm not). I also assumed that the family dynamics would be the same (they're not).
There was not a single class taught to me during elementary, middle, high, or college that taught me how to be married. I find it rather ironic that the one thing I had planned on doing all my life (even though my career choices changed frequently as a child) was on having a family. I realize this is not the dream for all children, but you will find it is the dream of most.
Just as eating with a fork is learned behavior, and calculus is a learned behavior, relationships are a learned behavior. Nobody told me that women are relationship oriented and boys are object oriented. This is why women tend to like to keep their thumbs on the pulse of all things social in high school, and boys like to work on cars. Nobody told me when I walked away from my wife during an argument so I wouldn't say something I would regret later, that I was rejecting her. I thought I was doing the right thing! I didn't understand that by putting her on a pedestal I was asking her to be "perfect" to my expectations, which is unfair and something nobody is capable of. The irony is I didn't know I was doing any of these things, they were all lessons learned by the "hot stove" method. How nice it would have been to have known in advance some of the very basic things in a marriage relationship.
Just a little education goes a very long way. Most people (men and women) want to feel "understood" in their relationship. It is a sign of intimacy. If you are a women and expect the latest surveys in Cosmopolitan to bring you closer to your honey, you might want to reconsider. If your a man and you expect the latest survey in Hot Rod to bring you closer to the woman you love, it's possible you might be wrong.
If however, as a spin on the above, if you are a woman and at least try to read a portion of Hot Rod, you are educating yourself into something that is important to him. It works the same way for a man and Cosmopolitan.
This brings me to the title of the post, which is why don't we have educators instead of counselors? Knowledge is power. And my answer is, I don't know. But I do know in our office (where we educate more than counsel) education works. It's amazing how understanding can bring you closer together!
There are many ways to learn. The most obvious is trial and error. Sometimes we just observe. If I touch a hot stove, I learn very quickly not to touch it again. Sometimes it can be a combination of things. Using the "hot stove" again, I will say that my parents had warned me about it. I had become "educated" on the subject, but the practical experience really drove the point home. Since I could believe my parents about the stove, I could also believe them when they told me the grilled cheese sandwich was hot!
Probably the most formal way to learn is in school. Be it elementary, middle, high, or college it is a structured approach to an area of study. Some classes I wished I had paid a little more attention in, and some I haven't really used that much. Some of the classes I never used that much others found indispensable. Most of the time it is a matter of how we choose to apply our education.
I grew up believing one day I would be married (I am). I grew up believing my wife would assume the same role as my mother (she didn't) and I would be like my father (I'm not). I also assumed that the family dynamics would be the same (they're not).
There was not a single class taught to me during elementary, middle, high, or college that taught me how to be married. I find it rather ironic that the one thing I had planned on doing all my life (even though my career choices changed frequently as a child) was on having a family. I realize this is not the dream for all children, but you will find it is the dream of most.
Just as eating with a fork is learned behavior, and calculus is a learned behavior, relationships are a learned behavior. Nobody told me that women are relationship oriented and boys are object oriented. This is why women tend to like to keep their thumbs on the pulse of all things social in high school, and boys like to work on cars. Nobody told me when I walked away from my wife during an argument so I wouldn't say something I would regret later, that I was rejecting her. I thought I was doing the right thing! I didn't understand that by putting her on a pedestal I was asking her to be "perfect" to my expectations, which is unfair and something nobody is capable of. The irony is I didn't know I was doing any of these things, they were all lessons learned by the "hot stove" method. How nice it would have been to have known in advance some of the very basic things in a marriage relationship.
Just a little education goes a very long way. Most people (men and women) want to feel "understood" in their relationship. It is a sign of intimacy. If you are a women and expect the latest surveys in Cosmopolitan to bring you closer to your honey, you might want to reconsider. If your a man and you expect the latest survey in Hot Rod to bring you closer to the woman you love, it's possible you might be wrong.
If however, as a spin on the above, if you are a woman and at least try to read a portion of Hot Rod, you are educating yourself into something that is important to him. It works the same way for a man and Cosmopolitan.
This brings me to the title of the post, which is why don't we have educators instead of counselors? Knowledge is power. And my answer is, I don't know. But I do know in our office (where we educate more than counsel) education works. It's amazing how understanding can bring you closer together!
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